Dear God, It's me, Jenny.
It’s me, Jenny. The one from Oakland, not the Bronx. Yeah...so about that curveball from heaven that you just threw down at me. Did you mean to throw that my way? You know I’m not athletic! The shit hit me smack in the chest. Literally. You’ve been blessing me on repeat and then this. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am thankful for all the other blessings but this?! This I do not understand. Of all things...CANCER??!! You couldn’t have just given me a bad breakout that lasted a few months or maybe have given me pink eye? Tonsillitis? A root canal? Athletes foot? I mean I would have even taken hemorrhoids! But cancer? The Big C? That’s just...can we say HARSH? Hell, (I mean, heck), that was just downright MEAN! And I want you to know that I’m BIG MAD about it.
All of the blessings that you have sent my way, the amazing man (Lord you outdid yourself with that guy), a better relationship with my mother (finally), my wonderful circle of friends, and a brand spanking new house to top it off! Did I not show enough appreciation? My bad. I thanked you every day God! Was I not praying enough? I know I’ve become one of those Christmas and Easter churchgoers but you know my views on the Catholic church these days. You haven't seen me trying to find a church home? It’s been tough! All I’ve ever known is the Catholic church. Now I’m visiting other churches with their big screens, threats to tithe and blatant side eyes from the Preacher to praise louder, and it’s just taking some getting used to. Plus all that “rising” for everything! A sista was legit tired. But I was making an effort God. You couldn't have given me more time to find my way? Or at the very least, warn me? Or maybe wait until I was like 78?
I didn’t see this coming. How could I? I was just rollin’ through life on cloud 9. More excited than my husband when I mention making gravy.
Seriously though, God, can you tell me what I did? Are you still mad about the time I planked on that police car when I wasn’t supposed to? Or the time I cut holes in the butt of my Dad’s underwear because I was mad at him? Maybe it was the time I tried to kick some of my bridesmaids out of my wedding? What are you mad at?! Can you help me remember what I did that was SO bad that you’d put cancer on me? Lawd. No really, LAWD, why? I thought I already had your forgiveness.
I feel like I’m in the middle of a Tyler Perry movie. And you know how that movie goes? Me feeling hopeless in some shiny synthetic wig, guzzling my favorite Cabernet with Madea bursting into my room trying to push her “tough love” antics on to me. Her boobs bouncing all around under her favorite moo moo. Then, she’ll exclaim, “Take mine! I don’t want em’ anyway!” No, I do NOT want any parts of that nightmare, Lord. I want MY boobs. Why can’t I keep MY boobs?! If you wanted me to stop sticking my atm card in my bra and just put it in my wallet, you could have just said so. Cell phone too. Now I’m being punished and I don’t even know why.
I’m worried, sad and angry, God. I’m trying to be strong but fear of the unknown is about to give me an ulcer. I’ve never been this scared. I know, I know...trust in you right? You will not forsake me, right? Ok, ok.
God? Can you just go easy on me for the rest? I legit cannot handle anything else. So if you want to throw a yeast infection or a root canal my way just keep that on hold. Please? Oh, and they say that some people get to keep their hair. My hair is pretty strong. I’ve been known as the Edge Goddess in some circles. Maybe you can let me keep it? I mean you’re taking my boobs, the least you can do is let me keep my hair. Oh, and if you want to let me drop down a dress size or two I won’t even be mad at ya. What do ya say?
Lord, seriously though, thank you for your mercy on me. I know that this could be so much worse. I am thankful for my angels here on earth that are proven to be sent by you. They are already making this a little easier. None of this makes sense to me right now but I’m going to continue praying for understanding and clarity. Please God, no more tears. More strength. More love. More tenacity. Make me better God in every way. Allow my marriage to endure this trial. Allow us to come out of this even stronger and more in love.
Thank you, GOD, for all that you do. Thank you in advance for your healing. Love you.